The Challenge: Day Seven
I had some other demands on my time yesterday, but I attempted to work the compression unit until it sounded the way I wanted to. Didn't quite get there, but it's a work in progress.
My boyfriend came over last night, and I played the STILL unfinished track 9after a week of listening to it, I just want it done) to him. In hindsight, I should have just spent the day here finishing it. Long story short, he doesn't like it. He feels that it's flat, although he does think the arrangement's good. His is the one good opinion I am always (totally and consistently unsuccessfully) hoping for. And every time it doesn't come, I am left feeling that the track that i was so proud o ten minutes before is total rubbish. This time, I was also left feeling untalented and what I am doing feels totally pointless.
As a Day Seven Special Preview, as of 12:37 this afternoon, I am still crying intermittently and feel completely decimated. I don't want to work on this today, and the fact that I was up until 3am trying to explain how I feel every time he does this to him and am therefore totally exhausted isn't helping. I am, however, determined that this isn't going to stop me doing what I genuinely enjoy doing. It'll just take me a while to get back into it with any kind of enjoyment.
I am currently ignoring the implications for my relatinoship of the above statement.
So I have a new Challenge, to start as of the end of this one (which is Sunday December 17th). I am not going to play him everything, but I am going to work every day. I am not going to play him anything until I have written, recorded and mixed at least 4 new songs and recorded and mixed two that I have written but not yet recorded. At that point, or the point at which I feel able to face this kind of total emotional wreckage again, I will play them all to him in one half hour. However, I will play them all to other people first, as the comments from my other friends is really helping to keep me afloat.
I would like to think that by the point I play them to him, he'll be impressed, that maybe I'll be good enough for him then. However, I'd also like to think that by that point I'll have worked my way out of this horrific victim position and would no longer need his approval either way.
My boyfriend came over last night, and I played the STILL unfinished track 9after a week of listening to it, I just want it done) to him. In hindsight, I should have just spent the day here finishing it. Long story short, he doesn't like it. He feels that it's flat, although he does think the arrangement's good. His is the one good opinion I am always (totally and consistently unsuccessfully) hoping for. And every time it doesn't come, I am left feeling that the track that i was so proud o ten minutes before is total rubbish. This time, I was also left feeling untalented and what I am doing feels totally pointless.
As a Day Seven Special Preview, as of 12:37 this afternoon, I am still crying intermittently and feel completely decimated. I don't want to work on this today, and the fact that I was up until 3am trying to explain how I feel every time he does this to him and am therefore totally exhausted isn't helping. I am, however, determined that this isn't going to stop me doing what I genuinely enjoy doing. It'll just take me a while to get back into it with any kind of enjoyment.
I am currently ignoring the implications for my relatinoship of the above statement.
So I have a new Challenge, to start as of the end of this one (which is Sunday December 17th). I am not going to play him everything, but I am going to work every day. I am not going to play him anything until I have written, recorded and mixed at least 4 new songs and recorded and mixed two that I have written but not yet recorded. At that point, or the point at which I feel able to face this kind of total emotional wreckage again, I will play them all to him in one half hour. However, I will play them all to other people first, as the comments from my other friends is really helping to keep me afloat.
I would like to think that by the point I play them to him, he'll be impressed, that maybe I'll be good enough for him then. However, I'd also like to think that by that point I'll have worked my way out of this horrific victim position and would no longer need his approval either way.
posted by Leni at 12:31
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